Behind Blue Eyes
by Raven-Leigh
Summary: It takes place five years after Ultimecia, when Seifer is starting to doubt his world and the proper role of a father and significant other.


_Okitay. It's finally finished and I can post it here, on It's been a long way in writing this songfic, because I sorta had to after I heard the song Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. It just sorta stuck in my mind and I couldn't help but use it in this. I mean, it's a beautiful song in my own mind, and I don't really know what to do other than make it into a SeiFuu. I do believe that's the best use of a song, and only one that I really appreciate or like. Therefore, here it is for you to enjoy. Rawr. Keep in mind that the bold is Seifer's dialogue and the normal is Fujin's. Yes, and the italics are the lyrics to the song. Enjoy and don't forget to R&R!_

'Everyone seems to think that my life is easy. Some people think that things don't bother me as much as they do. However, when the world starts crumbling down, where do I have to go? No where. Some things just come easier to people who have been around others all their lives. To people that push others away, it's kind of hard to seek a confidant. I don't know where to turn very often, and sometimes that leads to my downfall. Lots of things have happened in my past. Sometimes, people can't figure out why I did something, even though I've given them tons of things to assume so I wouldn't have to explain the REAL reasons. I know you have that problem, too. You were always there in the end, you know? Always there to prove that you really cared, even when no one else did. That was why I stuck with you and never left your side, except back then. Let's forget about THEN, let's worry about now. Now we're here, together. Right? I mean, you wouldn't leave, would you?'

_No one knows what it's like _

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

**'Sometimes it's awful hard to live down your past when everyone knows you for the power-hungry fool that will slit a nun's throat before standing up against what's wrong. Those things are what really makes a man think. I mean, most folks do things to be remembered. It's terrible when you commit so many dirty acts that people remember you forever. I think that's when you want to disappear the most. That's when you want to curl up and crawl inside a hole to die alone, because you feel absolutely useless. You feel as if you have no worth in society, no value when it comes to actual humanly quality. I mean, what will you ever do in life? You get stared at and feared when you walk down a street with your girlfriend because society remembers you as a nutcase that terrorized the world in mindless and bloody massacres. That's what I go through. Do you? Do you know what it's like to be judged and tormented from the time you wake up into the morning, through the evening when you want to blow your own brains out, until the time you cry yourself to sleep at night because of the dreams you're sure to have? Of the memories that come back even when your mind is supposed to be at rest? What happens when you're punished forever for things you wished you hadn't done, see the faces that screamed and begged for mercy, yet you didn't give them mercy? What do you do when your life gets so miserable that when you picture another day in it, you get physically sick?'**

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be hated_

_To be fated_

_To telling only lies_

'What can I really do for you? I know you're suffering, and it hurts to watch. I know that there's nothing that I could ever do to take away your suffering. I wish I could shuttle you to a far away world where dreams don't exist and there are no people there to hurt and judge. I wish there were no people breathing down our necks. I wish there was no alcohol in that world. You try to drown your fears and your aches in drink, but you don't realize that you're making them louder and louder. You're making them echo in a black room of misery. The worst thing is you can't find the door that leads out of the room and into the sunshine. It's been like this for five years, Seifer. Things just won't look up, will they? Forgiveness, pardons, fake smiles and laughs. They don't work anymore, do they? What will our daughter do without you? There's nothing she can do without the both of us. She needs her daddy there. She needs him to be sober and hard working. You're a hard worker, why can't you just put some things behind you? Things won't always go our way, but we can make them turn out for the best, can't we? I mean, we've come this far, overcome boundaries and we've even set some new boundaries. One child is here and there is another on the way. How can you just give up so easily? There has to be an end to our misery, and maybe someday the world will forget what happened in the past. Do you think that will ever happen? I hope for it everyday, and I watch for that time. However, day after day I see the world moving slower and slower to accommodate us and I see you slipping away faster than I can reach out and grab your hand.'

_But my dreams_

_They aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be_

**'The drink calms the painful pulsation of the real world. I can feel it throbbing with infection, the wound of despair that grows each and every day. It's getting bigger and is almost ready to burst. Alcohol might sterilize the wound for a little while, but it always festers again. Fujin, someday you'll be without me. I'll probably die long before my time, but I know that my strength and spirit will live on in our kids. Heh. Prissy always did look more like you, anyway. I guess they should inherit some qualities from me. But anyway, for the time that I have left here to suffer, why don't I lay down what I'm feeling? It isn't often known how miserable I am just from looking at me on the outside. Balamb gives compensation, money, freedom and many other things that they think are going to help. They can't clear my name. That's something that bothers me. I was going to be great. I would've been great. I screwed up. I hope our son never makes that mistake. In fact, I know he won't. He will not attend Balamb Garden, because he won't end up like his old man. I won't have my son fighting and wasting away under the sun to train when his life could end before he could grab hold of the edge of the cliff. And it can end from such a stupid mistake. Just one false move and he could plummet over the edge. Priscilla ain't going to Balamb either. I won't give them the satisfaction of teaching my beautiful, bright and aspiring girl. She's my pride and my joy, as you already know. Maybe after our son is born, he can be my pride and my Prissy can be my joy. Everyone knows I need that.'**

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

'So many people betrayed us, Seifer. So many people let go of us even after we returned to Balamb. They thought you were full of it and everyone seemed to believe that you were a cold-blooded murderer. I remember the day that you walked through the front gate of Balamb. I remember it like yesterday. That was the day I lost all my faith in the military Gardens. I don't trust them anymore. All they do is ruin lives and then pretend to compensate for it. They could've cleared your name, but they left it up to the world to decide for itself. You were controlled, but they failed to mention that when the reporters started to hover around. To them you were just a disease and they had to quarantine you. That was the reason for giving you 'compensation money'. It was the reason for giving you a supposedly new life somewhere else. That was why I came with you. To be with you, to be here. It's the reason I live and breathe every single day, to make sure your life isn't as miserable as it could be. Because I love you. I couldn't live without you, Seifer. Even if I wasn't your wife, I would be with you forever, because that's all that makes sense. I mean, who would look after you? Raijin? He's off on his own little adventures, no thought to anyone else that helped him along all these years. It's hard to see a friend like that go. He turned his back on us, though; we didn't turn ours on him. I guess it's only fair that he make his own decision about where he wants to go in life, though.'

_No one knows what it's like_

_To feel these feelings_

_Like I do_

_And I blame you_

_No one bites back as hard_

_On their anger_

_None of my pain and woe_

_Can show through_

**'Tch. Yeah, Almasy has no emotions. I don't feel, I don't see wrongs, and I don't hate them all for doing me wrong? I was done wrong so many times, and they don't even see it. They think it was all part of some 'flicted justice that went on yin and yang and frickin' karma. I don't believe in karma, as lots of people already know. Whatever happens, it happens, and it makes me so ANGRY to think that I was there for so long, I grew up with them and they just tossed me into the crevice of darkness to rot away as if I was nothing. After all, I was just a bully. Nah, I didn't have emotions and I didn't care about what happened to me and mine. No, Seifer Almasy has no feelings, because he's a cold-blooded murderer that would rather die than admit that he's in love with his best friend. To admit that for so long he just wanted a place. I have no place. Well, not in the 'real world'. Not the real world that everyone imagines and raises on a pedestal for all the people in the entire area to worship. You all think you're so smart. You're nothing. You really think you have it all figured out, and you know absolutely NOTHING! You think it hurts. The pain of being rubbed raw is gone now. It healed over when I figured out only my Fujin cared. My little girl cares, too. You won't never have anyone that cares like her, and Leonhart, you won't never have a little girl as sweet as Prissy to look after. You could'a had a bright star in your little stupid military school. You'll never have her now.'**

_But my dreams_

_They aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be_

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

'I remember before I was with you. You got so lonely. It seems like you were eating yourself up from the inside with accusations and thoughts about what you did in the past. Sometimes it's best to forget about the past and live for the future. I love you, and that's all that matters. Seifer, you think that you have to be perfect to raise a family? Look at Squall and Rinoa. They fight all the time and they don't have a perfect family, but yet they're doing almost as well as we do. Almost. We're the best parents in the world and our little girl can testify to that. She loves her daddy more than anyone or any THING in this universe, too. She needs you so badly, and you don't see it sometimes. I don't know why you don't see what's right in front of you, Seifer. It's staring you in the face, and it's almost like you don't believe it, or you just refuse to accept that someone loves you for you. You might've been the Sorceress's Knight, but now you're Seifer Almasy: the gunblader, husband and daddy. Why do you think she calls you daddy? You're her moon and I know she's your star. Some things don't have to be explained, they only have to be observed to really get people to understand. Don't you see? You make her eyes light up when you come home from a hard day of work. You make them dim when you drop into yourself and start acting like no one cares. You are cared about and you are a loved human being. You just don't see it. I know I should point it out to you, but it's kind of hard to do when you're wallowing in your own self pity. Lift your head up and be who you were taught to be, else you'll be swept away in the flow of life. You could also be swallowed into the deep mire of defeat.'

_When my fist clenches, crack it open_

_Before I use it and lose my cool_

_When I smile, tell me some bad news_

_Before I laugh and act like a fool_

'**Swallowed into the deep mire of defeat? It's already happened. The winds of fate have blown their course and now there's nothing left there to fade away. What is there for me? Nothing. Of course, they might take me back if I ever go, but can that really be guaranteed? I'm considered a lost cause, and a nobody. It doesn't really matter now, though. Not like I really care. See, I have too much to care about to consider them. I was supposed to be good, famous, great, strong and all the other crap that they used to rant about when Squall and I were going through training. The issue isn't that they don't think I am now, it's the point that I know I'm not. Do you think it matters now? Nothing matters now except you and Prissy and the one that's about to arrive. I think it's a shame that I lost my future for the sake of one woman. Then again, that's another rant all together. I mean, it was my fault in the first place, but should I sit back and let life trample over me as others walk on dry ground? I think not. There's a difference between Almasy perseverance and Leonhart perseverance. Squall broke down and let them in when he had nowhere to turn. They'll never know me.'**

_If I swallow anything evil_

_Put your finger down my throat_

_If I shiver, please give me a blanket_

_Keep me warm, let me wear your coat._

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes._


End file.
